


Feels Like the First Time

by myemergence



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Military, Angst, M/M, Of course there's a self sacrificing idiot, Second Chances, Semi-Open Ending, Vulnerability, boys talking about their feelings, but we all know how this really ends, dual timelines, mentions of Shannon Diaz, with a little fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-16 12:33:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29082432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myemergence/pseuds/myemergence
Summary: In 1972 LA, a soldier walks into the bar where Buck works, changing his life indelibly. What starts out as a friendly conversation turns into something unforgettable. Eddie changes his life and his heart in ways that Buck never imagined.Decades later, a conversation with his nephew brings to surface all of Buck’s feelings about the great lost love of his life.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 73
Collections: 9-1-1 Server Gift Exchange 2020





	Feels Like the First Time

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Loverlylo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loverlylo/gifts).



> The concept for this fic was inspired by watching the video for Ben Platt's Older. Title comes from the song of the same title by Foreigner, though the lyrics don't fully fit.
> 
> Thanks to Lindsay for taking the time to beta this for me.
> 
> The tags are kind of a mess, but I'm tired, so I'll come back to them later and hopefully add more that are relevant xD

**GLENDALE, CALIFORNIA**

**FEBRUARY 04, 2019**

The thing about getting older is that you know that you’re aging every day, that’s how life works. But day to day you don’t _feel_ any different, so time has a way of losing importance. Until those days accumulate into months and inevitably into years, and then decades. Your younger years and the person that you once were becomes a distant memory; an entire lifetime ago.

As Buck moves around the familiar kitchen in the home that he’s inhabited for the past 37 years, he moves with something akin to muscle memory, although over the years those same muscles have begun to ache with age, even with the most familiar movements. He glances up at the clock, knowing that in just a short time his home will be surrounded with love and family, the things that he’s learned matter the most.

Dinner is ready to be served promptly at seven when Maddie, Chim and their only son, Kevin arrive, his wife Lindsay in tow. “Where’s Devan?” Buck asks without finesse, immediately noticing his great-nephew’s absence. “We can wait until he gets here to eat, if he’s on his way.”

There’s a look that washes over Kevin’s face briefly, and he glances at Lindsay. She seems to take it as a cue to speak, finally. “It’s best if we get started.”

Buck’s brow furrows, the movement causing the wrinkles on his forehead to become more prominent. “Devan’s always on time.”

“He’s been staying out late, not acting like himself lately,” Lindsay explains a minute later. Buck understands that teenagers will act out, will do things for attention—hell, he was that kid far too many years ago, but that just doesn’t sound like Devan.

“Have you tried talking to him?”

Kevin expels a breath, setting his fork down on top of his untouched food with obvious irritation. “Of course we have.”

Lindsay sets her hand on top of Kevin’s wrist, causing him to turn his head and look at his wife. “He doesn’t mean anything by it, Kev.” He barely nods his head, picking up his fork and silently stabbing at his asparagus.

They make it through dinner without talking about this unknown thing that’s happening with Devan.

The thing is, Buck’s always had a really special relationship with Devan. Though they didn’t name him Evan, it was pretty close, and he’s been a constant fixture in Devan’s life. Buck was never blessed with grandchildren, but _not_ having that, he always had the special interest and connection with Devan—always making time for him, no matter what.

Especially now, when his parents seem so concerned that he’s hiding things from them and acting out of character, Buck’s thankful they've always had that open line of communication.

* * *

**GLENDALE, CALIFORNIA**

**FEBRUARY 7, 2019**

“Hey, Dev,” Buck greets, embracing his nephew before they settle on the couch. Buck made them both sandwiches before they got comfortable in the living room. “How’s everything going with school and the newspaper?”

Devan shoves the sandwich in his mouth and takes a big bite, though Buck’s not sure if it’s out of actual hunger or so he doesn’t need to immediately answer him. There’s tension in Devan’s shoulders that’s obvious to Buck as he watches him. “It’s fine.”

“Devan.” Buck sets his plate down on the coffee table, setting a hand on his shoulder and squeezing gently. “You don’t have to lie to me, you can tell me if there’s something going on.” Devan remains silent for a minute, the words settling over them like a blanket.

“I don’t think that I can,” Devan finally says, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck and hanging his head. The words hurt Buck, even if he’ll never admit it to Devan. The fact that he feels like there’s something so wrong that he can’t even talk to Buck about it. He’s always been able to turn to him up until now, even when he hasn’t been able to talk to his parents or grandparents.

“You can always talk to me. Whatever it is, it’s going to be okay. We can figure it out. You can talk to me if something is wrong.”

“Nothing is _wrong_ , it’s just…” Buck remains silent, hoping that Devan will continue on his own accord, but instead his sentence drops off into the utter quiet that surrounds them. Devan sets the plate with the half-eaten sandwich on the table beside Buck’s. “Things have just changed, I mean… I-I’ve changed. I’m _different_.”

Buck searches his words for some deeper meaning, for an explanation as to what that really means. The fact that he’s finally starting to talk is something, but the eighteen-year-old won’t even lift his eyes to Buck’s to make contact. “You’re still Devan, and that makes whatever it is okay.”

“If you knew what it was then you wouldn’t say that. You wouldn’t look at me the same.”

“Devan, we all change over the years. We make mistakes and learn things about ourselves. Sometimes you learn things about yourself that you love, and, yeah, we all do things that we’re not proud of sometimes. But that’s how you learn. I’ve made mistakes, I’ve done things that I second guessed years later and still wish that I could turn back time and change. The thing about time is that you can reflect on things that have happened and see that you would’ve done things differently now, but you think about it more in the moment the next time. You think to yourself, how can I make sure I never make this mistake again? How can I make sure that I don’t regret it?”

“And what if that thing, that—that mistake—what if it’s part of who you are?”

Buck’s silent for a long time, looking at his nephew who seems so small beside him despite the fact that they’re nearly the same size. “If it’s part of who you are, then it’s not a mistake,” he promises. Buck is silent as his wrinkled hand rests on Devan’s shoulder and leaves it there, a reminder of his steady presence. “You wanna tell me what we’re talking about here?”

“I-I’m gay.”

* * *

**LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA**

**MAY 04, 1972**

_If there’s one thing that Buck really loves about working at Duke’s on the outskirts of LA, is that it’s a veteran-run bar. As a vet himself—despite having only served one tour—there’s a certain kind of comradery and understanding that they have for each other. Sure, James Duke served in South Korea, one of the few lucky ones that it seemed had escaped the war with his life long ago. Whereas Buck had been retired after only his first tour, when he’d left with a mangled leg after a mine had nearly taken his life, narrowly missing the same fate as his own father and dying in service of his country._

_Duke understood in a way that most people didn’t, and Buck wasn’t the only vet that felt that way. It wasn’t just the veterans, either, that frequented Duke’s during the Vietnam War, it was those attending training at Fort Ord that would travel to LA with their weekend passes. They’d throw a few beers back with the guys before slipping out of the bar and heading to the jazz bar down the street in pursuit of female companionship. One of the few nights they had to forget about their upcoming orders, and the ways in which their lives were indefinitely changing._

_Duke’s was always their first stop, knowing they could unwind with the other men—in many cases, barely old enough to smoke or drink themselves—and not have to worry about offending someone by talking loudly about some of the realities that they faced. Some of them, even, drafted into the war involuntarily, so they weren’t in this situation on their own accord._

_Buck’s only been bartending here for the past six months, and when a small group of men from Fort Ord stroll in, they’re easy to spot. He recognizes the face of a soldier he’s spoken to before, though he hasn’t held a conversation with the man before aside from taking his drink order the past few weekends. The soldier sidles up to the bar, ordering the same bottle of Miller Light that he has in the weeks past. “Just the beer, soldier?”_

_“I’m getting the first round,” the handsome soldier explains, and Buck can’t help feeling rapt, though the words are basic and mundane, “and please, call me Eddie.”_

_“Alright, Eddie,” Buck says his name carefully, liking the way that it sounds on his tongue. “It’s a long drive in from Fort Ord, isn’t it?” He slides the bottle across the bartop to him._

_“What would you know about it?” Eddie lifts the beer to his lips, obviously savoring the taste as he stretches out his legs, getting situated himself on the barstool. The other soldiers that came in with him gathered together at a table after getting their drinks._

_“Oh, well I did my basic training there a few years ago,” Buck explains, and he can feel his cheeks flush as he busies himself with mopping up the bar. Once the bar is sufficiently wiped down, Buck’s gaze settles back on Eddie, who’s looking at him curiously now._

_“You’re a vet?”_

_“I don’t talk about it much, but yeah, I served for a tour.”_

_“And now… you bartend. I feel like there’s a story in there somewhere,” Eddie observes, holding the neck of the amber-colored bottle between three fingers before tilting his head back and taking a few more greedy sips. Buck watches him for a minute but doesn’t say anything, because he’s right, there_ is _a story there. It’s just not one that he’s willing to tell here and now._

_“There is, but maybe a story for another time, not for the first conversation that we’ve ever had.” At the mention of his time in the army, Buck can feel the phantom pain in his leg become more prominent, knowing that nothing has actually changed to make what is typically a dull ache deepen into actual pain. He takes a deep breath before he excuses himself to take an order further down the bar and when he’s finished he returns to his usual spot, noting that Eddie hasn’t made a move to rejoin the other men from his platoon._

_“So, what you’re saying is that if I want the story, I have to come back,” Eddie finally says. Though his words sound serious like he’s truly trying to figure out what he needs to do to learn Buck’s story, when Buck looks at the soldier’s face he realizes he’s anything but serious. His lips hint at a smile and his eyes are bright with mirth._

_“Yeah, I guess that’s what I’m saying,” Buck acquiesces with a shrug, he wouldn’t mind having another conversation with Eddie. “You won’t have to worry about missing me, I’m here every weekend.”_

* * *

**LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA**

**MAY 18, 1972**

_Eddie takes Buck’s words as an invitation and the next two weekends he shows up at Duke’s. Much like the first night that the two of them talked, he seats himself at the bar and makes conversation with Buck. Eddie barely converses with the other soldiers, a few words here or there, but he doesn’t seem tightly knit with them like the rest of them seem to be._

_“Can I ask you something?” Buck finally says._

_“Is that your question?”_

_Buck grins at him, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. “No, that wasn’t my question. You come all the way with the fellas from your platoon, and then… they drink over there.” Buck nods in the direction of where the others are drinking and laughing boisterously. “And instead of joining them, you sit at the bar alone.”_

_Eddie pauses, seeming to consider what he’s saying. “That’s not a question.”_

_“Why do you come here and sit at the bar alone?”_

_“I’m not alone,” Eddie corrects him as his eyes linger on Buck. He opens his mouth like he wants to say something else, but stops himself and sips from his beer instead. “I’ve been with them nearly every single moment for months and while we mostly get along great… they’re out here trying to score with the ladies.”_

_“And you’re not?” Buck pries, although he knows it’s none of his damn business._

_“I’m not,” he confirms with a nod. Eddie sets the beer down on the bartop as he shrugs. “Just looking to have a drink and a good conversation. Sure as hell beats weekend kitchen duty back on base.”_

_“I don’t know,” Buck says after a beat. “If you’re looking for good conversation and to get away when you come to LA, is a bar really where you’re going to find that?”_

_Eddie glances down, his thumb brushing over the napkin that rests beside his bottle of beer. “I don’t know. This place is the only source of good conversation that I’ve had in awhile, so I keep coming back.”_

_Eddie spends his entire time at Duke's talking to Buck. Sure, it’s broken up by Buck needing to actually bartend and work, but he’d be lying if he said he didn’t feel some sort of connection to Eddie too. It’s hard to say if it’s just him relating to Eddie because he’s quite literally been in Eddie’s shoes before. All he does know is that he looks forward to when the trainees from Fort Ord roll in every weekend._

_And he's not sure what that means._

_“I get that… but maybe a change in scenery wouldn’t hurt,” Buck suggests, his voice dropping a bit so that only Eddie can hear him over the background noise in the bar. “I’d think that spending countless hours crammed into a truck and then the rest of your time at the bar would get old.”_

_That’s how Buck finds himself asking Eddie to meet him late the next morning, since he doesn’t have to meet back up with his platoon until 2:30 that afternoon. Buck knows what helped him when he was in training, what made him feel connected and whole again._

_Maybe it can be a place for Eddie to do that, too._

* * *

**LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA**

**MAY 19, 1972**

_Despite the fact that Eddie said he’d meet him, Buck can’t help being pleasantly surprised the next day when Eddie shows up... even if the soldier is a little bit late. His only downtime during the weekends tends to be earlier in the day before the bar opens and the crowd begins trickling in. Buck likes keeping busy, so having his afternoons and evenings filled with work hasn’t ever been a problem before._

_Buck doesn’t have any family in LA, so his entire life in LA pretty much revolves around Duke’s and the people that have become like family to him there. Having something other than work to fill his hours is nice—especially when he’s filling those hours with someone whose company that he truly enjoys._

_“Sorry I’m late,” Eddie apologizes, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck, an apologetic look on his face.. “I’m not the one who drove us down here this time, and I underestimated how long it would take to walk here from the hotel.”_

_“It’s alright, I didn’t even think about it. I could’ve swung by to pick you up,” Buck says as they pile into his Jeep. He didn’t tell Eddie where they were headed today, so the fact that Eddie seems perfectly content to tag along with him without question surprises Buck. “It’s just a short drive.”_

_Eddie buckles his seatbelt as Buck starts the truck and eases out onto the road. “I’ve got a really packed schedule, so it’d better be.” Buck glances at Eddie out of the corner of his eye as he eases to a stop sign, the smile on Eddie’s face making it known that he has nowhere else to be. Which is… absolutely as Buck had hoped._

_A short while later Buck pulls onto a seemingly deserted road, surrounded by an overabundance of trees and not much else. A road that he’s traveled many times on his own, especially in the days after he’d been discharged and was trying to navigate his new life. Eddie turns to him as Buck continues down the secluded side road. “Did you bring me here to kill me, or…”_

_Buck snorts a laugh. “Yeah, but I was hoping you wouldn’t ask me about it.”_

_“Oh, sorry,” Eddie says, glancing out the window. “I didn’t mean to ruin your plans, so please, carry on.”_

_“Thank you, a little courtesy in these situations is always appreciated.”_

_Buck wishes he could explain why things feel so comfortable with Eddie, this guy that he’s only had a handful of conversations with. Somehow, Buck feels more at ease with him than he has with anyone in the last few years; a connection that he can’t really put words to._

_Pulling the truck to a stop, Buck climbs out and slips the keys into his pocket. Eddie sits in the truck and doesn’t move for a moment, his head swiveling to look at Buck, the amusement obvious in his expression. “Are you gonna do it here?”_

_“No, I’m gonna need you to get out and walk a bit.”_

_“I wouldn’t want this to be too hard for you.” Eddie gets out of the truck and closes the door, leaning against it as Buck closes his own, rounding the corner and joining Eddie. “It’s only right to be courteous to your murderer.”_

_Buck curls his lips upward into a slow smile. “Thank you, not everyone appreciates that.” Gesturing with one hand, Buck begins to walk towards the hiking trail. “It’s this way.”_

_They walk in silence for a few minutes, until Buck hears the familiar sound of the waterfall. As they walk side by side, their shoulders nearly brushing against each other so they can fit beside each other on the worn path, the barrier of trees begins to lessen, giving way to a familiar clearing. He leads the way as Eddie pauses at the bend, where the thick swath of trees begins to taper off, taking in the sight of the small waterfall that gives way to a secluded lake._

_“Eddie?”_

_“I think I’m alright with all of this walking, especially if this is the last thing that I see before I die,” Eddie admits. He stands there in silence, continuing to take in the view in front of them. Somehow, not far outside of a bustling Los Angeles, there’s this perfect little place of solitude._

_“C’mon,” Buck says with a chuckle, gently bumping Eddie’s shoulder with his own before leading him towards the water. Sitting down not far from the water’s edge, he watches the water and lets the peaceful sound of the waterfall overtake his senses. There’s something about this place that always sets him at ease, and today is no exception. It’s always been a place of solitude—a place that he’s never shared with anyone—and yet he feels so comfortable with bringing Eddie here, this soldier that he barely knows._

_“How did you even find this place?” Eddie settles beside Buck, glancing over at him._

_Buck swallows at the question and for the briefest of moments wonders exactly how much he should share with Eddie. Then he recognizes the ease that he feels here with Eddie and decides that he should share the whole truth. “I trained at Fort Ord three years ago. I’d always wanted to be a soldier. My dad served in Korea. My grandpa's a vet, too."_

_Eddie’s watching him so intently now, prepared to take in every single bit of his history that Buck is able to share._

_“Anyway, we used to get weekend passes and pretty much like you’re not into spending the entire weekend in bars and hotels… I realized I needed something else. Solitude, I guess.” Buck plucks a blade of grass, looking down at it as he moves the coolness between his fingers. “So I’d drive out a ways, find somewhere to go hiking… and just happened to stumble on this place when I was about halfway through my training. Then, I’d spend my Sunday out here every weekend until we had to head back.”_

_“I can see why,” Eddie acknowledges, looking out at the water, seemingly lost in his own thoughts. “It reminds you that there’s still beauty and not just the war.”_

_“It does.” Buck nods, pausing as he watches Eddie for a minute. “When I was serving my first tour, a mine was tripped and I, uh… nearly lost my leg. All I’d ever wanted was to be a soldier like my dad. I couldn’t even think about the fact that I’d almost died, I could only focus on what had been taken away from me.”_

_“I’m really sorry, Buck. I figured something happened and what’s why you bartend at Duke’s now, but I had no idea.”_

_Buck shrugs, turning a little so that he and Eddie are facing each other now, instead of looking out at the scenery. “You’d have no way of knowing.”_

_“Well, I’m still sorry.” Eddie sets his hand on top of Buck’s, his thumb grazing over the back of his hand, sending shock waves down to Buck’s spine._

_For a moment, Buck wonders if he’s imagined the entire thing, but when he looks down Eddie’s hand is still resting on top of his as his thumb continues to move over the back of his hand. “But I’m glad you’re okay now. I mean, nobody would ever know about your leg.”_

_Buck feels exposed, sharing something so personal about his life. But since it’s already out there, he feels like he may as well be totally vulnerable and lay out the entirety of his truth to Eddie. “This is gonna sound silly, but that’s why I always wear pants now and not even shorts on the hottest days… because people stare at the scars and ask all sorts of questions._

_"I work at Duke’s to still be around the soldiers that come in and other vets, but it’s also a constant reminder of what I can’t have—of what I’m not anymore. Of how I failed.” Buck feels Eddie’s hand still before he squeezes Buck’s wrist, making him look up._

_“You didn’t fail, and I can understand not wanting to answer questions or have people stare,” Eddie says, biting down on his bottom lip for a second as if he’s mulling something over. Finally, the softest pair of chocolate brown eyes settle on Buck. “But you don’t have to hide it from me.”_

_“My scars?” Buck asks, an air of disbelief to his tone._

_“Any of it.”_

* * *

**LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA**

**JUNE 02, 1972**

_Coming to this place becomes their routine each weekend. Buck swings by and picks up Eddie as soon as the sun rises Sunday morning, and they make the short drive to the lake. They still talk at the bar when Eddie drops by with the rest of the Fort Ord crew, but their time spent here alone just feels different._

_There’s an openness that they’re able to have here that they can’t at Duke’s. They can talk in a way that is more sincere and they don’t need to hide their shared connection for fear of someone noticing and asking too many questions. It’s not as if anything has actually happened between the two of them beyond deep and meaningful conversations, or a subtle touch here or there._

_It also doesn't take more than a fleeting touch to ruin a soldier's life._

_But if Buck’s being honest with himself— they’re tethered together—this undeniable pull that he feels towards Eddie. It might change things for Buck a bit if he was outed, or if things were suspected about his sexuality, but he knows that it would change things for Eddie indelibly._

_So, their most honest conversations happen against the backdrop of lush greenery and the sound of the waterfall. Every time they meet they learn a little bit more about one other. Things started with talking about the common ground they knew that they shared: the military. However, over the past few weeks they’ve really begun to open up to each other._

_Buck learns that Eddie has two older sisters, and a little nephew that he can’t help but talk about far too much. As Eddie talks animatedly about his nephew and the way that his face lit up when he’d gifted him a Tonka truck for his birthday—Buck can’t help being mesmerized by the way that Eddie’s eyes brighten, the love for little Joey obvious._

_“My sister Maddie doesn’t have any kids yet. I love kids and I can’t wait to get to spoil a little niece or nephew. Hopefully soon.”_

_“There’s nothing better,” Eddie murmurs with a smile, stretching out on the grass and looking out at the water._

_“I’d think,” Buck begins, “that maybe parenthood is better.”_

_It’s something that Buck’s thought about before, the idea of having a kid. Right now it doesn’t exactly fit into his lifestyle, but maybe someday. He hasn’t been with a woman since he was 19, so the chances of him becoming a father anytime soon are slim, at best._

_“Mmmm. I don’t know. I get to spoil Joey before giving him back to his mom. You get the fun parts without all of the work.”_

_“Maybe,” he concedes, “but you don’t get to read bedtime stories, or get to see his joy on Christmas morning. All those really special moments that only parents get to experience.”_

_Eddie’s quiet for a long time as he looks out at the water, Buck facing him from where he lays on the grass, thankful for the coolness; the perfect contrast to the heat of the early June day. As Buck’s leg presses against the cool blades of grass, the sensation feels almost foreign. He’s reminded of Eddie’s insistence that Buck stop covering his scars for Eddie’s benefit._

_Buck can’t remember the last time that he’d felt physically stripped down like this, the ugly scars that spread over his calf and up to his knee a physical reminder of all that he lost._

_“Buck?”_

_Buck looks up at Eddie, and he notices the way that his forehead seems to be pinched together in thought. “Yeah?”_

_“You okay?”_

_“Hmm?” he murmurs after a minute, realizing that this probably wasn’t the first time that Eddie tried to get his attention, if the concerned look on his face is anything to go by. “Yeah, yeah everything’s fine.”_

_Eddie moves closer, propping his head up on his hand, still laying on his side as he studies Buck. “I don’t think that’s true.”_

_“Nothing is actually wrong, Eddie.”_

_“That’s not what I asked. I asked if you were okay.” Buck struggles to swallow past the lump in his throat, the concern in Eddie’s eyes taking his breath away. He remains silent, every instinct telling him that he should look away, to smile and shrug it off like always, but he feels paralyzed in this moment, by Eddie’s genuine concern._

_“I was just thinking,” Buck admits vaguely. Eddie’s silence carries on, waiting expectantly as he waits for more of an explanation. Finally, Buck gestures at his leg. “I just, um… I was just thinking about the day that I was injured. The day that everything changed for me.”_

_“Maybe that’s what was supposed to happen that day.”_

_“You sound like my grandpa,” Buck says tightly, a controlled laugh slipping past his lips. “When I was finally back stateside, after the first surgeries and he was finally able to visit me in the hospital, he told me that it was a blessing in disguise. He said that a mine nearly taking off my leg was_ a blessing _. That now I didn’t have to give everything to the war like my father did. Said he didn’t know if he could bury me too, even if it would’ve been an honorable death.”_

 _“I think he was right, Buck,” Eddie says quietly, reaching out for Buck’s hand where it rests on the grass between them. This time when Buck swallows past the lump in his throat, it’s not to fight the onslaught of emotions as he thinks about the days after being injured and medically discharged, it’s against the swell of emotions that courses through him at Eddie’s touch. “If you’d still been serving, we would’ve never met. And who knows what could’ve happened if you served another tour, you could’ve_ died _out there.”_

 _Buck shifts their hands, tentatively resting his palm against Eddie’s. “You mean the same way that you can die out there? You only have 5 weeks of advanced training left, Eddie, and then you’re gonna get your orders and… anything can happen to you. There’s no promise that you’re going to come back home to—” Buck stops himself, nearly saying ‘to_ me,’ _“—to your girl.”_

_“Shannon’s not my girl, not anymore.” Buck feels like a colossal asshole for the relief that washes over him at those words, despite already knowing that Eddie broke things off with Shannon before coming to California for training. “Things had been rocky for a while before that, and if I’m being honest we were only still together to appease my parents. We’re just better off as friends.”_

_“My statement still stands. There’s a chance that you might not come back, that’s just the reality of this war.”_

_“You’re right,” Eddie acquiesces, threading their fingers together, “but I’m going to fight like hell to come back to what I do have waiting for me stateside.”_

_“And what’s that?”_

_“Buck,” Eddie whispers, the space between them feeling charged, Buck’s heartbeat echoing in his own ears. They’ve been tiptoeing around their connection and the possibility of anything happening for weeks now. However, now, in this moment, with their vulnerability laid out and indelible, it feels impossible for either one of them to pretend any longer. “It’s you.”_

* * *

**GLENDALE, CALIFORNIA**

**FEBRUARY 7, 2019**

“So, Eddie, was he the first guy…” Devan trails off, looking at his uncle with a look of curiosity on his face. There were many things that he’d talked to Devan about as he grew up, but his love life had never been one of those things. He didn’t see a reason to share any of that history, until now.

“No, no,” Buck chuckles a little, though the sadness in his eyes is obvious. “I’d been with other men before, though I wasn’t _out_. But, Eddie?” Stopping for a moment, Buck grabs his glass from the table, trying to occupy himself with anything other than the way that saying Eddie’s name aloud after so many years makes him feel. “He hadn’t. Things weren’t accepted back then the same way that they are now. I know there are still people that don’t accept it, but back then, he would’ve lost _everything_ if people found out about us, about just having those feelings, even if we didn't do anything about them.”

“That must’ve been really hard… and scary. To have to hide it.”

“It’s not that different from what you’re going through. Coming out must be terrifying,” Buck says softly, “but this is part of who you are. Your family— the people that truly matter— they’ll accept you because you’re still the same Devan, whether you’re gay or straight.”

“Earlier you said you had regrets and wish you’d done things differently. Was that about Eddie?”

Buck’s amazed by the way that his heart feels like it’s being shattered at just the mention of Eddie. This short conversation that he’s having with his nephew about Eddie, bringing him back to the heartbreak that he’s felt so often in all of the years since. Of all of the things he’s talked about, he’s never really talked about Eddie— at least not openly. Not without making him sound like someone else entirely when Maddie asked why he was so heartbroken and why he chose to leave LA.

“Yeah, it’s always been about Eddie,” Buck chokes out, the sting of tears blurring his vision, vulnerability spilling down his cheeks.

* * *

**LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA**

**JUNE 09, 1972**

_Most of the weekends that they spend together during Eddie’s weekends away from Fort Ord are pretty much the same. They spend Saturday night making casual conversation at the bar while Buck bartends, and the next day they head down to the water for some privacy where they can talk more openly._

_If Buck’s being honest, things have felt different since Eddie confessed that he had feelings for Buck. It’s harder to keep conversation casual at Duke’s and to not reach out to touch Eddie, and he finds himself needing to exercise more restraint._

_Except when he’s here with Eddie by the lake, he doesn’t need to. When he wants to call Eddie ‘baby’ or steal a kiss, he_ can _without fear of what the repercussions will be. In this space, he just feels so much more free, which is precisely how he convinced Eddie that they should take a swim today, because who knows how many more of these carefree moments they’ll have together._

_“I hope you fully appreciate this, because I‘m not a swimmer, Buck.” Eddie laughs after he’s slipped into the water reluctantly, standing nearly bolt-upright as the water pools around his waist._

_“I do, and I promise I won’t let you drown.” Buck grins as he steps closer to Eddie, dropping a hand to cradle Eddie’s face and kiss him softly. “I was a lifeguard when I was younger.”_

_“Good to know I’m in your very capable hands, then,” Eddie murmurs._

_Buck kisses him once again before gently tugging Eddie along. “C’mon, I think you can go in a little deeper.”_

_Sure, he’d been thinking about actually swimming when they first climbed into the water today, but Eddie looks so damn irresistible that he can barely think of anything but kissing him. Feeling himself shiver from the water hitting him at waist level, Buck dips below the water before slicking back his hair to keep it out of his eyes._

_Reluctantly, Eddie dips below the water and when he emerges, he shivers. “Jesus, that’s cold.” The water drips off Eddie, and Buck is mesmerized by how breathtaking he looks in this moment._

_“Well, it’s a good thing we have each other to stay warm then, isn’t it?” Buck teases, snaking an arm around Eddie’s waist and pulling him in for a kiss. In the quiet of the afternoon, it feels like nobody else exists._

* * *

**LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA**

**JUNE 14, 1972**

_Buck’s been trying to wrap his head around the fact that in a short few weeks Eddie will be done at Fort Ord. These past few months and getting to know him— falling in love with him, if Buck’s being honest— have been the best months that he can remember. He’s taken women out on dates (and hooked up with men secretly) before. But no single person that he’s been with before has made him feel half of the emotions that Eddie stirs up in him._

_When Eddie’s been quiet for a little too long, Buck nudges him lightly with his shoulder as they sit cross-legged beside each other, their coffee cups long forgotten._

_“What’s on your mind, soldier?” Bucks asks after a while, finally breaking the silence._

_Eddie begins to drum his fingers against his thigh before turning his head slightly to look at Buck. “You know, I’m quiet around anyone else and they just chalk it up to me being quiet. But you….” Eddie chuckles, but he doesn’t sound like he finds something funny._

_Buck shrugs. “You’re just not acting like yourself. What’s on your mind?”_

_There’s another stretch of silence but this time instead of asking Eddie what’s going on, he simply reaches out for Eddie’s hand. With only one hand free, Eddie shifts a bit so he can open the bag that he carried down to the water this time. Unsnapping the front, he retrieves a folded white envelope from the pocket._

_“So, um, Shannon sent me a letter,” Eddie provides after a minute. He’s talked about her to Buck a few times before, about their history and how they wanted to try to remain friends when he came to California for training. Still, he hasn’t brought her up in this kind of capacity before, and Buck doesn’t even know if it’s unusual for him to receive a letter from her. Maybe that’s how they were keeping in touch these days. It seems unusual that in all of their conversations before that he hasn’t mentioned it until now._

_The quiet way that Eddie is studying the envelope is disconcerting._

_“Does she normally send you letters?” Buck asks gently, unable to tear his eyes away from the neat handwriting on the face of the envelope._

_“No, this is the first one.” Eddie lets the silence relapse before he pulls the neatly folded paper out, carefully opening it. "She… she's pregnant, Buck." Then Eddie hands Buck the letter, as though he's afraid that Buck won't believe him otherwise._

_Buck presses his lips together as he takes the letter from Eddie, and even though Eddie’s handed him the letter to read, he somehow feels like he’s invading their privacy by reading it now. He swallows thickly and barely nods his head, trying not to let the emotions of it all break through. Instead of acknowledging any of it and the ways that their relationship will change, he says, “You’re going to be a father.”_

_Eddie’s laugh sounds rough as he takes back the letter from Buck. He slips it back into the envelope and puts it back in his bag. “I guess I am.”_

_Buck’s heart aches, and he remains silent because he doesn’t even know what to say. He knows that he should say something comforting to Eddie now, but he’s still trying to wrap his brain around it all._

_He’s not naive enough to believe that they were going to have some kind of epic love story with a happy ending. Still, these moments being with Eddie—even if they’re all moments they’ve shared in secret—they’ve been the moments that Buck cherishes most of all. He’s never felt such a genuine connection like this with anyone in his past, even if there’s still so much that they don’t know about each other yet._

_Right now, he needs to focus on what Eddie needs. So he reaches out for Eddie and gently grasps his shoulder in one hand. “You’re gonna be a great dad, Eddie. Your kid’s gonna be real lucky.”_

_“I don’t know the first thing about being a parent, Buck,” Eddie laughs quietly as he bows his head._

_“No, but you’ll love your kid enough to learn,” Buck says with a sureness that he shouldn’t possess. “Nobody goes into parenthood knowing everything, but as long as you’re willing to try that’s what matters the most.”_

_“I don’t even know if I’ll be around when the baby is born.”_

_“You have an entire lifetime to get to know them, Eddie. Even if you miss the birth, you’re gonna be great.”_

_Eddie pinches the bridge of his nose and Buck can feel as the tension eases out of his shoulders. Leaning against Buck’s shoulder, Eddie twines their fingers together. “Thanks, Buck.”_

* * *

**GLENDALE, CALIFORNIA**

**FEBRUARY 7, 2019**

The silence that surrounds them seems somehow deafening. The more that Buck shares with Devan about his history with Eddie and the closer that he gets to how things ended with them, Buck can feel the ache in his chest beginning to get more intense.

He’s never talked to anyone about Eddie before, not so honestly anyway. Maddie knew that he’d met someone back in LA, but he had never shared the truth that it had been with another man. There’s a part of Buck that wants to keep talking about Eddie, like it would somehow keep their time together alive. Still, talking about it won’t change that things had ended with them and talking about him feels like reopening a wound closed long ago.

“Wow. So, Eddie was gonna be a dad?” Devan’s voice is soft as he speaks, as if he’s trying to somehow wrap his head around the new information.

“Yeah, and I’m sure he was— _is_ a great dad,” Buck says quietly, glancing down at his hands and the wrinkled skin there, as if counting the years since he found out Eddie was going to be a dad in each of those wrinkles. He’s unable to look up at Devan, knowing that he’s going to want to know the rest of the story.

“You,” Devan begins, “don’t know what kind of a dad Eddie is?”

Buck tries not to grimace. “After Eddie told me he was going to be a dad, it became clear to me what I needed to do— for him.”

Devan scoffs at Buck’s words, causing him to look up at his great-nephew. “And what about your happiness?”

“It didn’t matter.”

“How can you say that? _Of course_ it mattered, Uncle Buck.” Devan runs his hands over his face, struggling to find the right words. “Your entire life you have selflessly put everyone’s happiness before your own.”

“Being a dad, being a good dad, mattered to Eddie— he couldn’t have done that with me in the picture.”

* * *

**LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA**

**JUNE 19, 1972**

_Since the moment that Eddie shared with Buck that he's going to be a father, there hasn’t been anything else that he’s been able to concentrate on._

_Eddie’s going to be a dad. An amazing dad._

_His kid is going to be so damn lucky to get to experience childhood with someone as good as Eddie looking out for him at every corner. A dad who wants to be there through all of the phases, who’ll help him practice for little league and teach him to ride a bike._

_It’s also why Buck has to do this, even if it isn’t easy. Eddie deserves the very best, and that includes a family to take care of. A family that he loves._

_Staring out at the water used to be something he did long before he met Eddie. On a whim he’d taken Eddie out here and it quickly became their space; a place where they didn’t have to be anyone but Buck and Eddie._

_Even though Eddie isn’t sitting beside him in the here and now, he still can picture the way that sun reflects off of Eddie’s slicked back hair. The way that he smiles so fully, and the perfect weight to Eddie’s hand with Buck’s hand fitted inside of it._

_It’s more than just Eddie’s physical presence that Buck can’t seem to disconnect from when he’s here now, it’s the way that Buck feels when they’re together. With Eddie he’s more than the failed soldier with a bum leg, like when he’s with Eddie he’s part of something more. Eddie sees him for all of the things that he is and accepts all of it._

_Tonight Eddie will be back in town, for the last time before he gets his orders next weekend. He’s proud of Eddie for all that he’s accomplished, for just exactly how far he’s come in such a short time. He’s also terrified of what could happen once he’s deployed._

_Above all, he just doesn’t know how the hell he’s gonna hold it all together._

* * *

**LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA**

**JUNE 20, 1972**

_Despite the fact that Buck has known this day is coming, it hasn’t made the preparations for the day any easier. He knows that this is the last time that he’s going to get to see Eddie before he graduates from Fort Ord and fights for his country. The thought of this man that he’s fallen for being in danger and taking enemy fire is terrifying, and he wants to tell him “no, don’t go.”_

_How much of a hypocrite would Buck be as a veteran to tell Eddie not to do his part in the war? Even after what Buck himself lost._

_When Buck pulls the truck up to the curb, it’s barely dawn and Eddie is already waiting with two steaming cups of coffee. “Hey, Buck,” Eddie greets, handing over the cups before he tosses his bag into the bed of the truck and climbs in._

_Buck checks that both lids are secure, smiling as he observes Eddie on their last day together. “Hey, Eddie.” And Buck doesn’t know what else to say right now, so he doesn’t force the conversation. He checks for traffic before he eases back onto the road and begins the silent drive that he knows like the back of his hand._

_They arrive at the hiking path that leads to the lake a short while later, and though it’s not the best beverage for hiking, they sip on their coffee as they walk beside each other. They still haven’t talked aside from the brief greeting when Buck picked up Eddie for the day. Somehow it doesn’t feel awkward or like they need to fill the quiet with meaningless words yet._

_Buck’s thankful for not having to force words yet. With Eddie’s comforting presence beside him, they finally pass the clearing leading to the river. He doesn’t even know what words he can say to sum any of this up: how he’s feeling, what he’s thinking, how this quiet soldier who strode into the bar with the rest of his platoon somehow stole his heart._

_“Buck?” Eddie says, finally breaking the silence after he finishes a sip of his coffee. Buck looks at Eddie for the first time in a few minutes, as if he’s been afraid of what looking at him and really facing all of this will mean. “Come sit with me,” he requests, setting down the cup to lay out a blanket for the two of them to sit on. Eddie settles with his coffee in one hand and gently taps the empty spot beside him. “Please.”_

_“Yeah, of course…” Buck trails off, and he’s finally able to get his legs moving again, walking over to where Eddie’s settled. Instead of sitting in the spot closest to Eddie where he’d indicated, Buck instead drops down on the other side of the blanket, leaving plenty of space between them. It’s a deliberate move, trying to keep some space between them to prevent his fracturing heart from shattering completely. Clearing his throat, Buck glances down at his coffee before taking a sip._

_“Buck,” Eddie murmurs, stretching his hand across the empty space between them until his fingers brush against the back of Buck’s wrist to get his attention. “I’m still here. Please don’t check out on me already. I don’t think my heart can handle it.”_

_Buck laughs quietly, but it’s obvious that he’s not masking his sadness at all. When he glances up and really looks at Eddie, he sees a mirror reflection of his own sorrow there. Tears burn Buck’s eyes, but he sees how unfair it’d be to shut Eddie out before they’ve even had their goodbye. “I won’t,” Buck chokes out, trying to clear the shakiness out of his tone. Setting his coffee off of the edge of the blanket, Buck moves into the space beside Eddie, his strong arms pulling him closer as Buck’s tears finally shake loose. “I don’t want to spend our last day together crying over what we can’t have.”_

_“We don’t have to spend the whole day crying, but it’s okay for us to be sad,” Eddie says finally. He’s always the one who has it all together. Buck’s been trying so hard these past weeks—especially since learning about Shannon and the baby—trying to school his emotions. Buck leans more into Eddie now, laying his palm upright until Buck rests his hand there, their fingers lacing together as if Buck’s very world isn’t crumbling to the ground._

_“I can handle anything,” Buck finally admits through a hoarse voice, his thumb tracing the edge of Eddie’s hand, eyes locked on their point of contact as he continues. “I can handle anything that happens, but the one thing that I can’t handle is you dying over there. So, I need you to promise me you won’t die, Eddie.” He swallows hard, finally looking up from their hands and seeking out Eddie’s eyes. Buck sees the moment his words really register with Eddie, his entire face softening as Eddie releases his hand._

_Eddie shifts a little bit, taking Buck’s face between both of his hands. His eyes look intense and worried, like he wishes there was some way that he could take away the burden of worry that’s resting so heavily on Buck now. “I don’t plan on dying over there. I will fight like hell to come back to everything I have waiting for me, to come back to you. I promise.”_

_There are no words that Buck can say to that, because all that matters is that Eddie is going to fight to come back. Whose arms he’ll be wrapped in when he comes back home doesn’t seem to matter right now. At least, it doesn’t matter to Buck._

_“I promise,” Eddie repeats, his thumb brushing against the exposed skin of Buck’s throat before kissing him tenderly. Buck’s fingers graze Eddie’s arm and he kisses him back with the same delicateness, as if he’s afraid that ‘too much’ will make this place feel different._

_Buck pulls back then, smiling softly. “This place… it’s been a really important place to me for a long time, you know that. But, um, sharing these moments here with you— I don’t think I ever really saw the full potential of its beauty until you were here in it.”_

_“Oh, Buck.” Eddie’s thumb gently sweeps over Buck’s jawline before kissing him again. “Thank you for trusting me enough to bring me here. To share not just this place but… share yourself with me. I know it wasn’t easy for you to be that vulnerable.”_

_“You’ve made it easy,”_

_Their morning is spent in varying positions of relaxing on the blanket. With Buck’s head resting in Eddie’s lap, barely even awake to their bodies pressed together as they kiss lazily to try to savor every last moment that they have. But the more that the morning stretches on, the reality that their time together ends promptly at 2:30 this afternoon can’t be forgotten._

_Buck unfolds himself from Eddie’s embrace, slipping off his socks before walking the short distance between himself and the water, letting his feet slip into the water as he stares ahead at the waterfall._

_“Mind if I join you?”_

_“I was hoping that you would,” Buck admits, smiling as the familiar presence settles beside him. Reaching over, Eddie holds Buck’s hand and he can’t ignore the swell of emotions that simple gesture stirs up in him. It’s this closeness that he’s going to miss the most. Sure, he’ll miss the kissing… but just the ease of the way that their hands fit together so perfectly, how effortless this connection is… that’s what he’s going to miss the most._

_“I know you’re worried about me making it back.”_

_“I am,” Buck acquiesces, “but not for the reason that you think.” Eddie looks at him quizzically, and as he’s preparing to say something to Buck he shakes his head to stop him. “You’re gonna be a dad, probably by the time you’re back stateside. Your life is gonna change in a really amazing way, Eddie. I just… I need you to make sure that you make it back for your kid, because they deserve to know how great their dad is. How great he’s destined to be.”_

_Eddie clears his throat this time, dipping his head forward for a second, and Buck can feel the warm wetness from Eddie’s tears against his wrist. When Eddie turns his head, he swipes at his tears and offers Buck a sad smile. “You seem pretty certain about that.”_

_“I am.”_

_“Buck, you’ve never seen me with a kid—”_

_Buck nods his head a little. “You’re right. I haven’t. But I’ve seen you light up just talking about your nephew. And if you can love Joey that much knowing that he’s not yours, I can only imagine all that your heart is capable of for a kid that’s made up of half your DNA.”_

_Though Eddie’s silent when he looks at him, Buck can see the obvious relief on his face. As if somehow he’d been doubting all along that he’ll be a good dad to his and Shannon’s baby. “Thanks, Buck.”_

_“You don’t have anything to thank me for.”_

_After they let the conversation of Eddie’s worry over parenthood subside, they decide to let the conversation fade away. They just lay together on the blanket, snuggled up against each other like there’s nothing else in the world that matters right now. No other place to be, no other important words to be said. Which… Buck is aware is only half true. There are a lot of important words that should be said—_ too many words— _and he’s sure that no matter which ones he chooses that they’re going to be the wrong ones, so right now he chooses none._

_Instead, he closes his eyes against his worries and tries to commit each thing that he never wants to forget to his memory._

_The way that he can feel more than he can hear Eddie breathing beside him, the steadiness of his breathing somehow setting Buck’s body at ease without even trying. Buck’s fingers rest atop Eddie’s chest, rising and falling along with each breath. Buck’s eyes blink open just enough that he can study Eddie on the cusp of sleep. His long lashes sweep high against his cheekbones and Buck wishes that he somehow had that presence of mind to bring along a camera so there would be no chance of him forgetting these moments. Especially with the knowledge that these moments are final and fleeting, sending a shock wave of sadness straight to Buck’s heart._

_He closes his eyes again, this time trying to extinguish the rest of his senses and only pay attention to the sounds around them. Buck hopes that the saying is true and that somehow it’ll make the noises in their little alcove more prominent and discernable. Taking a few breaths, at first all that he can really hear is the sound of his own breath, reminding him of his obvious worry about saying goodbye._

_Buck focuses on the sound of the waterfall not too far away from where they’re resting. He tries to memorize the soothing rush of water as it cascades down into the glistening body of water below. Letting the sound soothe him, Buck hopes that remembering these sounds later will somehow bring him some semblance of peace. As Buck feels himself relax to the waterfall sounds, there’s another sound that becomes more prominent: the sound of Eddie’s breathing, leveling off as he falls asleep, a small whistle of a snore making a smile tug at Buck’s lips._

_When Buck opens his eyes a few minutes later, his gaze rests on Eddie’s peaceful face. “You’re so perfect,” Buck murmurs quietly, brushing his fingers against the smooth material of Eddie’s cotton shirt, the material pinching between his fingers. “So perfect.”_

_Buck’s lips purse together as he watches Eddie. He knows that he should let him rest, one of his last moments to relax in this place before everything changes. However, he doesn’t think he can leave their place and this moment knowing that he didn’t speak the truth aloud. “I love you, Eddie. So much. I hope that in all of this, if you’re not sure of anything… that you’ll always be sure of that,” he whispers._

_At the taste of salt on his lips, Buck becomes aware of the fact that tears have begun falling down his cheeks and he swipes them away, reminding himself there’ll be time for that later. “Pull it together, Buckley.” After giving himself a few moments to get his emotions under wraps, he glances down at his watch, hating how quickly their last day together is passing. As much as he wants to let Eddie rest, he also knows that they’ll never get this time back together and he wants Eddie to remember these moments, too._

_Buck brushes his thumb over Eddie’s cheekbone before tenderly kissing his lips, trying to ingrain the feeling of Eddie’s lips against his into his memory. Pulling back after the chaste kiss, Buck murmurs softly, “Eddie.”_

_“Mmm…” Eddie murmurs with his eyes still closed, dragging a hand down over his face. “I wouldn’t mind waking up like this every day.” Letting his hand fall away from his face, Eddie’s eyes blink open, and it takes him a few moments for his eyes to settle on Buck’s face. He must see something there, because he lets out a soft sigh of resignation. “I know that’s not reality.”_

_“But it’s nice to pretend,” Buck concedes. Eddie nods his head a little before threading his fingers through Buck’s hair and kissing him._

_“Yeah, it is,” Eddie murmurs against Buck’s lips, his words barely audible as he draws back from the kiss. Sighing, Eddie presses their foreheads against each other and remains still, just breathing as they’re pressed together nearly from head-to-toe. After letting the silence stretch on for another few moments, Eddie shifts a little onto his side so that he can see Buck more easily. “How much longer do we have?”_

_“An hour and a half until I have to drop you off at the bar.”_

_“So we still have some time.”_

_“A little,” Buck says, though there’s a sigh around the words. “We have to walk back, and then the drive…”_

_“So we have about thirty minutes,” Eddie says solemnly. He sits up before reaching for Buck’s hands and pulling him upright as well. “But it’s okay. It is.” Despite the assurance in Eddie’s words, Buck notices the way that he has to swallow and take a few breaths to try to keep his emotions at bay. And he knows that all of his own worries are reflected in Eddie._

_“It is, and you’ll be back stateside in no time.”_

_Buck silently links their fingers together, looking down at their joined hands and just thinking how right that this all feels._

_And how wrong that he has to leave it all behind._

* * *

**GLENDALE, CALIFORNIA**

**FEBRUARY 7, 2019**

“I’m sorry, I think I need a minute to wrap my head around this,” Devan says, looking at his uncle with a perplexed look on his face. “You _loved_ this man, and you dropped him off at Duke’s and then…” Despite the fact that Buck is far older than his nephew, there’s something about the way that Devan is now so completely invested in his past with Eddie and what happened all of those years ago. He’s fishing around in a history that Buck never thought he’d share with anyone.

“And then I moved to Glendale,” Buck explains, as if that completely fills in the gaps of his history with Eddie.

“So, you just—” Devan looks at him incredulously. “You just uprooted your entire life? What did Eddie think when he came back from the war and you were just _gone_?”

“I-I don’t know, but he didn’t need me anymore. Not… not like that.” It’s a painful truth, but a real one. Eddie had so much change in his life at that time; he was going to war and he was going to come back stateside to a life of fatherhood. The last thing that he needed was for Buck to further complicate his life.

“I really hope you don’t believe that. Because if you do, then _you’re an idiot_ ,” Devan says flatly, that same pinched expression on his face as he tries to piece all of this together.

“ _Devan_.”

“No disrespect, Uncle Buck. You know I love you, but you left the first love of your life like he was nothing to you.” The expression on Devan’s face looks like disappointment, like he’s trying to wrap his head around the fact that his uncle just blew up his entire life and his happiness. But it was a _lifetime_ ago, and it shouldn’t still make Buck’s heart feel like it’s been cracked in two.

“He was _everything_ ,” Buck forces the words out, nearly choking on their weight and honesty. Because Eddie was. It was only a few short months but in all the years since nobody has ever made Buck feel that intensely or completely, and he knows now that nobody else ever will. However, it’s not on Devan to try to fix that hurt in him, there’s nothing that he can do. He needs him to understand that he’s okay, despite all that he let go on that June day all those years ago. Taking a deep breath, he smiles softly at Devan. “But, I’ve still had a good life, bud.”

“But you don’t even _know_ —” Devan’s voice cuts off suddenly.

“I don’t even know what?” Buck shifts a bit in his seat, elbows on his knees, knowing that Devan isn’t done by a longshot and resigning himself to answering whatever his questions are.

“What he wanted or… or what happened. For all you know Shannon had the baby and they went their separate ways.”

“Or they’re happy grandparents by now, like he deserves,” Buck offers.

“Or, Eddie’s been waiting 47 years to find out what happened to the love of his life.”

“That’s not… there’s no way that’s what happened with Eddie,” Buck says tightly. “He was looking forward to being a dad, and he wouldn’t just uproot and leave his kid. Look, there’s no way to know, so there’s no sense in trying to overanalyze all of this now.”

Buck loves his nephew and the relationship that they have. He loves how they can talk about nearly anything. Now, _literally_ anything. But there’s something about hashing up all of these old feelings, old feelings that still feel strangely fresh and new even though they’ve been buried for nearly fifty years. And Buck can barely keep them all crammed inside of his heart. He doesn’t know how much more of this open and honest communication that he can take.

“But that’s the thing, Uncle Buck. You _can_ find out. We can look into Eddie, maybe he’s on social media. We could find out—”

“No. You’ll never find him, Dev, and it’s just too late, okay?” Buck says, resigned. It’s been too many years. Too much time, and life has passed them by since that summer all of those years ago. The summer when Eddie showed him the kind of love that you only see in the movies. A love that could never be found again or replicated, no matter how hard Buck tried to find someone to share his life with.

“It’s _never_ too late,” Devan says quietly as he scrubs his hands down over his face. “Never.”

* * *

**GLENDALE, CALIFORNIA**

**FEBRUARY 18, 2019**

Little did Buck know that his heart-to-heart with Devan was only the beginning. What had begun as Buck trying to help Devan with whatever he’d been trying to work through had turned into something entirely different. The lens of focus seemed to have quickly shifted away from Devan coming out to his parents and the people around him, and centered instead around Buck’s great lost love.

Until those two separate worlds seemed to collide.

Buck flips the page in the newspaper as he tries to ignore the incessant ringing of his cell phone. A device that he’d only admittedly purchased in the first place due to his nephew’s persistence that it’s easier to stay connected this way. Devan had insisted that with Buck being a man of a certain age living on his own, it was nice to have an easy way to remain connected with his family.

He just hadn’t ever imagined that would entail his nephew trying to get a hold of him about trying to resurrect his nonexistent love life from decades ago. Finally, Buck reaches over and picks up the phone, swiping before bringing the phone up to his ear. “Hello?”

“Uncle Buck, I’m on my way over now. I think I’ve found him.”

“That’s impossible,” Buck barely gets the words out as his heart begins to hammer wildly in his chest. There’s no way that after all of these years that his nephew has somehow managed to find what could easily be the missing piece in Buck’s life. What would that even mean, or look like? He’s been living his own life for years and surely he’s happy now. With Shannon in the rocking chair opposite of his own on the porch, watching their grandchildren play in the yard. What good could even come from them reconnecting? “I don’t think—”

But Devan doesn’t listen. “I’ll see you in five.”

Buck groans when he hears the dial tone loud in his ear. Ending the call, Buck sets his phone down and carefully folds the newspaper before setting it aside. He drags himself out of the chair and makes his way into the kitchen to get drinks for himself and Devan for when he arrives. For the first time that Buck can recall, Devan is on time and knocking on the door anxiously.

“Hey, Dev,” Buck greets as he lets him inside. “I have some iced tea in the kitchen, or if you’d rather have something else…”

Devan brushes him off as he steps inside of Buck’s space. “I’m not worried about any of that. I’m telling you I _found_ him, Uncle Buck.” It’s easy to see the excited energy that seems to be rolling off of Devan. He knew Devan had become invested and that he obviously wants what’s best for Buck, but he never really expected that he’d go this far.

Buck walks quietly to the kitchen and begins to put ice in a couple of glasses. “Uncle Buck, are you even listening to me?”

Sighing softly, Buck hangs his head for a second before turning around to face his nephew. “Yes, of course I can hear you. I’m not deaf yet.”

“Then what’s the problem? Because I don’t get it. I thought you’d be _excited_ about this. Instead you’re acting like I’m giving you bad news, not the possible chance to reconnect with someone who used to mean something to you. ”

“He still means something to me, Dev,” Buck says quietly. If he hasn’t made that clear to Devan, Buck realizes that out of fear of how hurt he could end up, he’s been shielding the way that he really feels about everything. “Let’s sit down.” Without saying anything, Devan sits down at the table while Buck sets their iced teas in front of him.

Buck sits and for a minute he doesn’t say or do anything. He just lets himself remain silent for a minute trying to figure out the best way to put it all into words. Maybe whatever he says will be off kilter and wrong, but he knows that if there’s anyone aside from Eddie that deserves an explanation, it’s Devan. “I’ve had 47 years to get to relive these perfect memories with Eddie. All of these special and intimate moments… some of the greatest conversations of my life. I was able to open up to Eddie in a way that I never thought I ever would with anyone, and I don’t even mean it romantically. He… he was my best friend and I was able to confide in him about the war and all that I’d lost. And he was able to see me for _all_ of it.”

Buck looks away from Devan for a moment and fidgets with the condensation that’s pooling at the edge of the glass, scraping his thumbnail against it. “I’m afraid that if Eddie and I get back in touch that all of that will go away. I’m sure he’s a different man now, as am I. Maybe he’s resented me for leaving in the way that I did. I just don’t want it to tarnish those memories, Devan. They’re all that I have left of him.”

Devan smiles wanly as he sets a warm hand on top of Buck’s and squeezes gently. “I understand being afraid of losing something. I’m afraid of that too, Uncle Buck, with coming out to my family. But, what if we do this together? We’ll reach out to Eddie’s son, Christopher, and see if we can connect. Then, I’ll come out to my parents.”

“I don’t want you to come out to try to convince me to do this, Devan. You should come out to your parents when you feel ready.” Buck pauses, swallowing slowly as he tops Devan’s hand with his own. “Reach out to Christopher. If Eddie is willing to talk to me… I’ll do it.”

* * *

**LITTLEROCK, CALIFORNIA**

**FEBRUARY 23, 2019**

It feels surreal that after all of this time it’s actually happening today. After years of Eddie just being a memory—the _very best_ memory—he’s going to see him in the flesh today. Devan offered to go with him since he’s been so involved in this entire process, but Buck feels like after all of this time that he needs to do this on his own. Glancing over at the GPS that Devan insisted he purchase, he notices there’s less than fifteen minutes until he’ll be at Eddie’s home.

They talked briefly on the phone, though most of the communication has been strictly between Devan and Christopher up until the last day. One short conversation with Eddie and somehow Buck isn’t really able to gage how Eddie’s feeling about all of this.

Whatever it is, he knows he’ll need to make his peace with it, even if it’s not easy.

Buck pulls up in front of a modest ranch home with an American flag proudly displayed out front. He stays in his truck for a few minutes, trying to collect his thoughts and letting Devan know that he arrived okay. With a breath meant to ground himself, Buck pushes open the door to his truck and steps out onto the driveway. He feels his palms begin to sweat and his stomach rolls with the anxiety and anticipation of this long overdue reunion.

Frankly, the unknown of how this is going to go terrifies him. But it’s not like he’s a teenager or young enough to allow fear to hold him back. So instead, he takes it one step at a time and tries to ignore the way that his leg aches and the anxiety that swells in his chest as he moves closer to the doorstep.

Taking a deep breath, Buck presses the doorbell, his heart hammering in his chest a reminder that this is actually happening.

There’s noise on the other side of the door that Buck can’t quite make out, and only a few moments later it’s being pulled open. There’s a heavy silence that falls between them as they stand on opposite sides of the doorway, taking in the sight of each other after too many years.

He’s older. Hell, they’re _both_ older, but beneath the wrinkles and the gray hair Buck can easily see his Eddie with those kind brown eyes, and he has to exercise every ounce of control to push down the sob that wants to break out of his chest.

“Hey, Eddie,” is all he can manage.

Eddie holds open the door as they remain in the doorway, an unreadable expression on his face. Their eyes meet before he averts his gaze quickly. “Buck, sorry, come in.”

“Thank you,” Buck says as he steps inside of Eddie’s home, his eyes flitting around the space before they settle back on Eddie. He tries to take his lead from Eddie on what he should do and where he should go. “And, uh, thank you for agreeing to this.”

“Would you like some coffee?” Eddie asks, pausing halfway to the kitchen. “We could sit in the living room.”

Buck agrees, and Eddie busies himself with making a pot of coffee for them. Somehow, Buck can’t help himself and finds himself glancing around Eddie’s home, trying to piece together this puzzle that’s been Eddie’s life since he left all of those years ago; pictures, mementos, and memories that all mean something to Eddie, and here’s Buck a stranger looking in on it all.

Eddie moves with ease after their coffees are ready, leading Buck into the living room. “I was surprised to find out from Christopher that you’d been looking for me.”

“I was a little surprised myself.” Buck laughs uncomfortably.

“Buck…”

“I’m _really_ sorry, Eddie.” Buck doesn’t say what for, but they both know what he’s apologizing for.

“It was a long time ago. A lifetime ago,” Eddie dismisses with a small wave, taking a couple of sips of his coffee, but Buck doesn’t miss the way that Eddie avoids his eyes with the movement.

“So, tell me what’s been going on in your life for the last 47 years,” Eddie suggests with a tight smile.

“I’d love to do that and to hear all about everything that’s happened in your life, too. I just think that maybe we should talk about what happened after you graduated from your program and got your orders first.”

“We really don’t have to—”

“I’d like to, Eddie. After talking to a kid who is wise beyond his years I realized that maybe you don’t know what happened, or why and I think that you should. It won’t change anything that happened, but I still think that you deserve the entire truth. Then I’d love to hear about that kid and family of yours.”

“If that’s what you think you need to do, then by all means.” Eddie’s eyes linger on Buck’s face before he reaches for his coffee and takes a few more sips, keeping the mug in his hands.

Buck takes a slow breath, trying to somehow summon the courage to explain those raw emotions from all of those years ago and how to unpack all of it with Eddie.

“What we had… I’d never felt that before in my life. Y’know, you always hear people talking about these great loves and I just never thought that I’d have that and I was okay with that. Then, uh, then you walked into Duke’s and something in my life shifted.”

“Buck, this isn’t—”

“Please, it’s an important part of the story and what happened later.”

“Okay,” Eddie acquiesces with some hesitance, setting his mug down and leaning forward a little bit to listen to Buck more intently. Eddie is probably showing him more understanding than he should with the way that Buck just disappeared from his life without an explanation. He’s thankful that he’s giving him the time to explain now, but he knows that it’s not because he _deserves_ it.

“I fell for you really fast, and I spent every week just trying to go through the motions at the bar until you and the Fort Ord crew would come. It was the highlight of all of my weeks. You were the only man that I’ve ever loved, but more than that you quickly became my best friend.” Buck pauses as he looks down at his mug before bringing it to his lips and taking a small sip. Trying to find some sort of distraction while he figures out how to say any of this. “I felt so connected to you and I started to see this entire future we might be able to have, even though with you being a soldier I knew that it wasn’t exactly realistic.”

Eddie swallows hard and his jaw is set tightly. “You say that— you say these _things_ like you can just throw them around but Buck, you disappeared from my life completely, with not a single word. Do you have any idea what it was like to not get a single letter from you? To come back and show up at Duke’s after I was back stateside and find out that you were gone?”

Buck breathes out a shaky breath. “I can’t imagine that it was easy but I was trying to do what was best for you.”

“You were trying to do what was best for me?” Eddie scoffs with a shake of his head. “Please, enlighten me and tell me how leaving was what was best for me.”

“A few weeks before you graduated from training we were down by the water. That was the day that you told me you were going to be a father. That’s the day that everything changed for me,” Buck admits quietly. “I knew how I felt about you, Eddie, but your life was changing completely on top of being a soldier. You didn’t need a distraction from that. I wanted you to be able to focus on being a good dad and— and I didn’t want you being distracted by me when you had a chance at normalcy. The chance at a family with Shannon.”

Eddie drags a hand down over his face. “Are you… telling me that the reason that you uprooted your entire life was because I was becoming a father?” Buck clears his throat as he looks down at his hands before settling his gaze back on Eddie’s face. It’s been so many years that it shouldn’t be this hard, but still, the look of hurt on Eddie’s face is almost too much for Buck to process. “What about what you wanted? Hell, what about what _I_ wanted Buck?”

“I was trying to simplify life for you. It was the last thing that I wanted to do.”

“It wasn’t _simple_ to come back from Vietnam and find that the man I’d fallen in love with had just disappeared. It was _heartbreaking_ , Buck.” Eddie stands up from the couch abruptly and grabs their mugs before disappearing into the kitchen.

Buck’s not sure what he was expecting, obviously not absolute forgiveness. Somehow after all of these years, Eddie is upset about the choices that Buck made. He sits on the couch and tries to give Eddie his space to process what has been said. But sitting and being still has never been one of Buck’s strengths. With no idea what he’s going to say, Buck walks towards the kitchen where Eddie is standing with his back facing the door.

“My intention wasn’t ever to hurt you, Eddie. That’s the last thing that I wanted. I know me coming here and telling you that doesn’t change anything. I still made choices that affected both of us, and I can see now that it wasn’t fair for me to just make those decisions. I just—” Buck sighs. “I wanted you to have a good life, because there’s nobody that deserves that more than you.”

“Jesus Christ,” Eddie mutters, drying his hands on a dish towel and tossing it over the edge of the sink. He walks over to the table and sits down, motioning for Buck to take the seat across from him. Buck hesitates for a moment before he does so and waits for Eddie to continue. “I’ve had a good life, okay? I’ve been lucky enough to have an amazing kid that’s grown into an incredible man. But, if I’m being honest… there’s always been something— _someone_ —missing from it.”

“So, you and Shannon…”

“We tried early on, but we found out that we were better as co-parents to Christopher than we were as anything more than that.” Eddie shrugs a little. “Your decision didn’t change the course of my life in that way, Buck. Christopher has been the most important thing all of these years, like he would’ve been even if you’d still been in my life.”

Buck chuckles humorlessly, his eyes studying the grain of the wood on the table instead of looking anywhere in Eddie’s general vicinity. “So I made both of our lives harder for no reason.”

“Maybe,” Eddie agrees after a moment. Buck feels the weight of Eddie’s hand resting on top of his own, causing him to look up. Eddie’s lip curls up at the corner, hinting at a reserved smile. “But we’re both here now.”

“Okay. I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean.”

“It means that we’ve spent almost 50 years living without one another. I don’t know what this is, or what we’re supposed to be… but I haven’t had anyone cook me dinner in a while and I wouldn’t be opposed to getting to know you again over said dinner.”

“You’re asking me to make you dinner?” Buck laughs, feeling some of the tension ease out of his shoulders. “I don’t think that’s how this is supposed to go.”

“Well, I would offer to make dinner, but it’d be much less enjoyable for both of us. Unless you like eating burnt and inedible food. In which case, I’m your man.” For the first time since he arrived, Buck smiles fully and completely.

He knows that they’ll never get back all of their lost years, but maybe they can be lucky enough to have something else entirely.

“Do you have plans Friday night? I’d love to cook you dinner at my place.”

“I’d really like that,” Eddie says as he gets up from the table, stopping only a few steps between the table and the doorway. Buck stands up too, watching Eddie where he’s paused. “I’m really glad that Devan convinced you to follow through with this. I’m not sure what’s going to happen down the line, but I’m really glad I got to see you again.”

Buck feels like he can finally breathe again with those words. They’re full of promise and the possibility of getting to know Eddie again in a way that he’s only dreamed of. Having always struggled with restraint, Buck steps forward before he can stop himself and hugs Eddie.

Inside his brain is screaming _boundaries_ at him, because he’s obviously crossed them. However, he doesn’t feel Eddie’s body tense against him like he expects and he holds his breath against the fear of rejection. Buck’s heart begins to race in his chest and he tries to process Eddie’s lack of a reaction, until finally, his arms wrap around Buck, reciprocating the hug and he tugs Buck more firmly against him.

There’s something about that feeling of being in Eddie’s arms again that just feels right, like coming home after all of these years away.

“I’ve really missed you,” Eddie admits as he steps back from their embrace, a wistful smile playing on his face.

There isn’t much that Buck knows right now about what they are or what’s going to happen between them. What he does know is that this isn’t the end, and that knowledge alone makes him believe that everything will be okay.


End file.
